I got out of bed today. I also showered and brushed my teeth. Little wins that mean so much.
I get a phone call from my mom, her news and her tone tells me it’s time to get out of bed. My current depression status in my post found here. My moms news is in my last post found here. I need to prepare for the events that are about to unfold. I’m reminded that I am strong, I can overcome depression, it’s time to find my strength again. I pour myself a drink as I listen to her vent. After an hour of her venting, me multi-task cleaning….and another cocktail… I tell her I need to go we can finish her vent tomorrow. It’s 11pm but I head over to the community pool. I hop the fence and do laps for another hour. The water comforts me and fuels my strength as I wash away my own problems and focus on the new task at hand.
If you didn’t follow the hyperlinked backstory, my parents are separating and I have always been the support for my family. I am the rock. The anchor. The caretaker. The stable one. <— This shows you how fucked up my family is since I am personally a disaster.
I clean my house as I create a strategic plan of action. I lay awake at night, my insomnia is full blown, I suddenly remember something from my bi-weekly therapy sessions. I cannot be the caretaker for everyone, I’m battling my own demons. My plan of action needs to be revised. The next day as all the phone calls start pouring in I create boundaries. To my siblings- I’m sorry you’re upset, but why are you making this your problem when it is not. I’m sorry but I have to go, I have meetings at work, I’m taking the dogs to the park, I’m re-establishing my life post depression. To my parents- I know you’re upset, I need you to create a plan of action. Create budgets, find new places to live, go talk to your friends about it, I’m not the one you can unload on. I have to go, I’m going to hang out with my friends, I have a psychiatrist appointment, I’m FINALLY out of bed and I have a life to get back to.
This week my insomnia finally left me, I sleep through the night and I haven’t woken up once. I have taken showers daily. I brushed my hair (almost) every day. I even put on makeup this week. I can feel the burden of sadness that has been weighing me down slowly lift. I am not my biological family’s caretaker anymore, I am my own caretaker, I am MY own family’s rock. I have a life to get back to and I have hope that it is returning. I tell myself it’s ok to be selfish. If I can’t take care of myself how can I take care of others. Please don’t be mad at me. Please don’t throw rocks at my glass house because it will shatter, I promise not to throw rocks at yours either.
I’m regaining my strength and I am winning this battle.