The first thing to go is self care, the last thing is always my family. This is my five stage cycle that is supposed to remind me I’ve fallen deeper and deeper into my depression. To remind me to seek intervention. I never listen.
Lexapro withdrawal. We meet again.
I don’t know where to start. My brain is in shambles and I can’t even figure out where to begin this word vomit. I think this week I will find myself stuck and unable to move back in my closet. I went away last weekend for a wedding. Friday AM-Monday PM. Let me start with vacation prep……
I don’t want more friends. I am happy with the ones I have. I hate that society has turned me into this person who is nice to new people and lead them on to think we can be friends but then like…..I am going to flake out on all your hangout invites. I’m going to text you back a few days later when I finally feel like responding. I don’t want to sit through awkward new friend small talk. I don’t want to like you and let you into my friendship circle because then you’ll be another person that will try to make plans and make me leave my house. Hard pass.
I’m anxious. I’m having a weird day. Something doesn’t feel right. I don’t feel like myself.
I am having a rough day at work. It’s almost 11am and I hear my S.O. is waking up and getting out of bed. I tell him that this work day is just going to get worse but he can help make it better. I made him a list of things that I really really really needed him to complete before I get off work. I need it. I REALLY need you to do this for me today. I am begging him.
As I sit here, 4 vodkas in and realizing I haven’t written in a few days, I am reminded of my deep fear of space and the cosmos. And how awful space travel seems.