On the other side

I have been completely clean from any kind of medication for approximately two months and here’s how things are.

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Tobacco Withdrawal Day 9: Kill me slowly, kill me softly

I cannot. Cannot. Cannot. Cannot. But I want to. I think. I have so many opinions in my brain about this. I did not know I was THIS addicted to tobacco. 
I chew tobacco. I found a piece of my gum, my fucking gum from my fucking mouth, in my dip Monday. Anxiety and webmd tells me my gums show that I’m 90% cancerous. I stop cold turkey……for 16hrs. 
Google tells me only 80% of people survive one year of mouth cancer no matter what stage. Only 45% survive five years. I’m done. I stare at mouth cancer pictures for three hours. This shit right here. Omg. 

So I switch to nicotine gum. One pack of 4mg x 20 pieces starting Tuesday, one more pack by Saturday. Fuckkkkkk. 

So Tuesday after. One week in. I have my last piece in the pack. One piece. I’m doing two at each interval normally. One piece left at 3pm. At 5pm my S.O. and I pick out wedding invitations. 

Ask me how irritated I was. Ask me. 

I was ready to go to war. I could not use nice words. Even though I was onboard with what he wanted to use. I was not able to be nice. My brain wouldn’t let me. I was too concerned with when the next piece of nicotine would be. Feed me more pieces please. So irritated. 

We finish, he goes to walgreens to pick up prescriptions and I ask him to get nicorette gum since I ran out at 3pm with half dose. He comes home at 630pm empty nicotine handed. I literally cry. 

I sob and I sob and I sob. I start shaking. I’m so hungry and I’ve already eaten so much. I can’t use words to describe why I’m so upset. Word are so hard to use suddenly. Im still sobbing as I grab shit to run out to the store…..sans bra sans shoes. Im trying to tell him how much I NEED it without sounding like an addict. Between sobs and shaking of course. 

He drives me to the store. I sit in the car and I google withdrawal symptoms. Obvi. Webmd. My bff. I’m clearly addicted, and I’m full of remorse for becoming the person I am.  He gets into the car and I shove gum into my mouth as fast as I can. I swear to god I became a completely different human. Everything was status quo. 

I hate myself. 

He says he’s confused. I tell him my tobacco schedule and all of my hiding places. I told him I forgot a hiding place once and how I spent two hours looking for it. I’m so ashamed. I did not think this was the person that I was. He had no idea how bad it was. No no no. He had an idea…but it was not this destructive in his mind. 

I’m nine days tobacco free. I’m doing alright. I crave it sometime, but when I do crave it I remember that a piece of my gum came out. I remember the statistics too. 

I’ve tried “quitting” three times in the last two years for him and for…”me”. The fourth time is all me 100%….plus five million more. It’s true. You have to be ready to give it up. 

You want to do it for the people who love you. You want it to be for them. That’s not how it happens though. You do it for you. I don’t think it’s selfish, I think it’s a battle you win against your inner demons. The inner demons ask, ” Why the fuck do you care??? You’re not hurting others! You’re feeling better! Just one more time?” 

Fuckkk. I’ve been dancing with the devil.  

I want to see my future. I want to do this for me. I want to make my S.O. proud. Day nine. I’m killing it. 

God damnit. 


Welcome Back to School

Did you know I procrastinate and I’m lazy and I write because I’m usually working at school and want to be lazy and procrastinate?  Summer obviously did a number on my posting rate.  I’m back in full force. (Maybe).

you is kind

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I Don’t Want More Friends

I don’t want more friends. I am happy with the ones I have. I hate that society has turned me into this person who is nice to new people and lead them on to think we can be friends but then like…..I am going to flake out on all your hangout invites. I’m going to text you back a few days later when I finally feel like responding. I don’t want to sit through awkward new friend small talk. I don’t want to like you and let you into my friendship circle because then you’ll be another person that will try to make plans and make me leave my house. Hard pass.

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Leave me in my blanket burrito- My Fear of Space

As I sit here, 4 vodkas in and realizing I haven’t written in a few days, I am reminded of my deep fear of space and the cosmos. And how awful space travel seems.

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Let’s talk about Handmaid’s Tale…

Holy fucking shit if you have not seen this show on Hulu yet get on mother fucking board because this shit is ddooppppeeee as fuck.   When I first glanced the trailers I was like “ok cool, an amish society and shit.”  Then, I had a friend correct me and say it’s post apocalyptic which is right up my fucking alley and it should be on your must watch list asap.


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Late Night Thoughts

Ah white noise machine you serve me well. But not well enough. I am awake. My foot itches. Why? Bug bites. You were outside this weekend. Lots of bug bites. Wait my legs itches. So does my arm. Hold please while I scratch down my body.

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